Christian Marriage Counseling: How to Win Back the One You Love

This write-up is intended for a person whose spouse is not interested in them or the relationship anymore. It is not meant for all marriages.

The following dynamic is frequent to mankind. It is even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be incredibly important in regaining your spouse's interest.

Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to really feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.

Spouses typically balance every single other in this way in what is called the "Avoider- Pursuer" dynamic. When one particular person's position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.

When a single individual desires the marriage to function, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Typically there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening, anything to try to win back the departing spouse.

"I know deep down inside you nonetheless adore me," she says, in an effort to convince him to keep attempting, or "What about all these years together? We have a history that should not be thrown away," she tells him, hoping he will see the light. "I promise I'll adjust, I know it can perform," he tells her, praying she will give him a single more chance.

Although these acts of desperation are understandable, unfortunately they have the paradoxical effect of really escalating the chances of divorce. The a great deal more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive, the much less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes extra particular that the selection to divorce is the perfect 1 and withdraws even further.